(Tom didn't send me this one, but he should have)
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
(from Karen)
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival, she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "......."Only those who catch my eye."
AND:
In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a scriptor on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day, he asked Father Florian (the armarius of the scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"
Fr. Florian is set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original."
Fr. Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification.
After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went
down looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they
approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found
Fr. Florian sobbing over the new copy and table. It was obvious to all that the poor man
had been crying his old heart out for a long time.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!"
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
A Little Meditation
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
(From Sue)
A guy in a bar says, "Hey, wanna hear a great redneck joke?"
The guy next to him turns around and says, "Wait a minute, mister. I'm a big guy and I'm a redneck. My buddy's even bigger, and he's a redneck. My other buddy's bigger than both of us, and he's a redneck. Now, are you sure you want to tell that joke?"
He says, "Nah, never mind. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
(From John)
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
(From John)
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Clones are people two.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Jesus saves, passes to Moses; he shoots, he SCORES!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Eschew obfuscation.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
My reality check just bounced.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS...
(From Gagler)
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
"I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
"He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first..."
(From Tim)
This frog was really down on his luck. All he had left in the world was this little ceramic figurine his mother had willed him when she croaked. He decided he'd go to the bank and get some money so he could improve his lot in life.
He wrapped up the figurine and hopped down to the bank to visit the loan officer, Mr. Paddywhack.
Mr. Paddywhack asked him for collateral. The frog offered his figurine. "I don't know, " said Mr. Paddywhack, not wanting to hurt the frog's feelings. "I'll have to go ask my manager."
In his manager's office, he unwraps the figurine. "This is what the frog offered as collateral. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?"
The manager took one look and said, "For God's sake, it's a knickknack, Paddywhack! Give the frog a loan!"
(From Karen)
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with
no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his
family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies; "I get these
blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..".
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left
ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered
from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came
she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how
it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started
this treatment! I can't thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely
home."
(From Karen:)
A guy goes into a bar and orders six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Wow, you must be having a bad day."
"Yeah," the guy answers, "I'm trying to deal with the news that my older brother is gay." He then downs his drinks and leaves.
A week later he is back and orders the same drinks. The bartender says, "Wow, another bad day?"
To which the guy responds, "I just found out my younger brother is gay" and he downs the drinks and leaves.
A week goes by and he comes in again with the same drink order. The bartender says, "Damn, man, doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
To which the guy replies, "Yeah, my wife."
(From John's son, Todd. Must run in the family.)
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Could it be that sheep know the sound of a zipper opening?
(From Jokeaday)
A man goes to the doctor, who tells him he only has a short time to live.
"Oh my god, Doctor, that's terrible! How long do I have"
The doctor replies, "10."
"Ten years? Ten months? Surely you don't mean ten weeks???"
"No, " says the doctor, "10, 9, 8...."
(From Cyber-Cheeze)
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then helooked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
(From Cyber-Cheeze)
A young man goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms. The pharmacist asks if he would like a pack of 3, 6, or 9. The young man replies, "You'd better give me 9, I've got a hot date tonight and she puts out like you wouldn't believe!"
That night he sits down to dinner with her girlfriend's family, and the father asks if the young man would like to give the blessing. He bows his head and prays silently for the longest time. Finally his girl friend leans over and whispers, "You didn't tell me you're so religious!"
He whispers back, "You didn't tell me your father is a pharmacist!"
We at Jzine are split on this next joke. We all agree it's completely tasteless. Some of think it's too offensive to repeat. Others think it's too funny not to repeat. If you decide to go there, you've been warned.
More jokes: From Sarah, Bill, Barbara, Carolyn, Tim, Sue, Karen, Mish, John, and Sandy
