AT THE SPEED OF LOVE

by Rick Beneteau

The cynic in me made me write this column. The realist would pen a lament and the optimist was simply too tired of Tony Robbins to write a totally upbeat blurb on divorce. But before you begin reading just know that I didn't take my divorce lightly. If I'd only have taken my marriage that seriously.

Allow me to warm up here acronymousily, headline-style to set the tone.

Decreasing marriage rate due to rising rate of divorce.

Increasing rate of divorce drives up number of singles.

Victory for "Family" lawyers (see D.)

On My Own Again named new marital anthem (Hurts So Good voted second).

Remarry, not me!

Can licensing be the answer? (hint)

Epidemic divorce rate clogs courts.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, and I expouse what amounts to a cure for the divorce epidemic. At least it would be a start. Before I propose my thesis, you need to kick back, close your eyes and imagine the following scenario A no-license, anyone-can-drive-a-car, speed limitless, traffic cop-free, road-with-no-rules system.

If your imagination is as vivid as mine, you've envisioned utter chaos and carnage. Kinda like marriage anymore, huh? Let's develop this further.We have driver's education courses to teach young drivers to drive. We mandate a long "learners" period, provide rules-of-the-road books and make them take an intense written and driving examination before we deem them ready to take on the responsibility of driving on public roadways. The result is that we have an ordered transportation system and relatively safe roads that few of us are afraid to drive on. The vehicular accident rate is nowhere near that of crash-and-burn marriages, soaring at over 50%.

Now let's examine marriage. We let anybody get married with only an age restriction in place (and still we let children tie the noose). There are no marital manuals, no marriage schools or courses with tests to pass, no marriage police and no laws or fines imposed during legal cohabitation. But there IS a marriage license. The only time elements of "law" seem to rear their ugly heads is when marriage ends and the divorce process begins.

Ludicrous! A marriage should be just as easy to get out of as it is to get into. Or, vice versa. My theory is NOT that we all be required to graduate with honors from a College of Matrimony. Far from it. I propose that since we DO have to take out a license to marry somebody, we treat it just like any other license. Renewable. Say, every two years. A laminated license as show of proof nesting next to your drivers and fishing license.

The license application form would be along the lines of, but not as detailed as, an income tax form. We validate the following his assets/her assets before marriage, assets accumulated since last renewal, common debts incurred during marriage, child custody arrangements if the licensees do not renew, an agreed-upon monthly sum it takes to support the children, who gets the family dog etc.

Yes, a prenup, separation agreement and divorce decree in one tidy little package. 'Til death or non-renewal do us part. No muss, fuss, or legal bills. Love is a two-way street they claim. Why not license people to drive on it?

Now all this is tongue-in-cheek you understand. Kind of. The cynic in me often looks at the absurdities of life in such ways. I've come to rely on my left-of-center sense of warped humor as a survival tactic. Perhaps even a shield. Sure came in handy during the heat of divorce battle.

I've been divorced for two-and-a-half years and separated for nearly eight (shows you that my battle was as long -and almost as bitter-as World War II) and I'm sure one day I will consider remarrying. But being wiser for having been through this will surely have me weighing both the option, and the sanctity of marriage, much more heavily than I did the first time.

What matters most is that people take a good look at where they are at in their marriage or relationship. Oil, lube and filter coupled with a thorough inspection every 3000 miles or so (couldn't resist!). Marriage is one of the main highways in life and like all roads, it can lead to a paradise resort or dead-end in the middle of a desert. If you take the time together to plan your trip, you are more likely to keep cruising happily along.

After all, the optimist in me knows that some couples actually do travel at the speed of love.